Making Time For Loved Ones

When the discussion of providing for your family comes up, what do you think of? I believe for most men our focus to provide leans toward making money. Sadly making money over rides everything else we do as fathers and husbands. Even though life revolves around making money to provide for the physical needs of the family, there is another need we tend to over look. Any guesses?

Quality time with our loved ones is one of the most neglected needs our family members need. Coincidentally, the quality time our families need is also something we need as well. We may not focus on time with our family as something that is essential to our happiness or the happiness of our family, but it ultimately what can make or break the success of the relationship you have with each of your family members.

We all know that quality time with our spouses is one of the most important elements for a successful marriage, but are we actually making time for our spouses? You always hear about having date nights with you spouse, and this is why. We have to make an effort to spend quality time with our spouses. it’s not something we can just wing, we have to make it a priority in our lives. It does not have to be extravagant every time you go out, you just have to find something to do together where you can spend time together making memories.

Like our spouses it is important that we spend quality time with our children. Our children can get lost in the hustle and bustle of work, the honey do list and trying to give our spouses quality time. Our children are a reflection if us, and if we do not give them the best of ourselves, they are not going to become the best versions of themselves because we did not give them the best of us. Our children are like sponges in the fact that they absorb everything they encounter and take pieces of each thing and person in their lives and mold themselves into the person they become.

What kind of memories do we want to give both out spouses and out children. Do we want them to only remember us always being gone to work, or do you want them to remember all the great times you spent with them making memories doing various activities? The time you spend with them is more valuable than anything money can buy. As important as work is to providing the worldly and physical things we need as a family, the time you spend with your family is even more important.

If you are not currently spending quality time with your family members, take a moment to work out a game plan of how you can effectively spend time with each of your family members and make connections that have eo desperately needed. Stay strong, have fun, and see what kind of difference you can make by doing the little things with your family.

Modern Husband

The role of a husband has been evolving since the end of the 1950’s. Politics, Feminism, social changes and role changes have been the main catalysts for what we see and know as the modern husband today. With that being said, the modern husband is continually evolving. Just when you think you know what a modern husband is or what we are supposed to it changes again.

What are some of the changes you have seen? Are these changes good or bad? One of the changes I have seen that I am in favor of is seeing more men involved with their daughters. There has been a movement of Girl Dads that has been awesome! Dads have been embracing the role of nurturer which is usually the role of moms. It is both refreshing and fun to see dads adding their own twist to how they are helping their daughters from day to day with all the things they need from getting ready each day to playing sports and doing chores. This is definitely a positive change of the modern husband.

Another change I have noticed is men seeing their spouses more as partners rather than servants, property or objects. That old mentality was and is a huge detriment to both women and the institution of marriage. No marriage is evert successful unless both parties are happy and prospering. With the rise of women being treated more equally, I am seeing their happiness increase within their relationships. This is the goal we should be continuously striving for within every marriage.

Unfortunately, there are still some old school marriages that still exist due to observance of old traditions. Sadly, there are still women being oppressed and held under the thumb of their husbands, who see and treat their spouses as less than equal to them. How this is still happening in this day and age is beyond me, but it needs to end. Men need to be men and understand that both partners have an equal part in the relationship and in the marriage. You can divide it up however you want, there are no set roles or rules to how your relationship or family has to work. As long as it works and your spouse is happy.

Our world is forever changing. With that being sad, it does not mean we have to always change to keep up with what everyone else is doing, but we need to change enough to make it right within our relationship. If you are not happy who says your spouse is happy? Change can be good. The outdated husband should be a thing of the past and the modern husband in some form should be embraced. Find the modern husband within yourself, and lets see what greatness you bring to your marriage.

Finding Time For Yourself

What is the most valuable thing most of us can’t get enough of? TIME! There never seems to be enough time in a moment, working on a project, in a relationship and in any given day. So when are you suppose to find time for yourself? Self care and love is actually important for everyone, yet it’s one of the things we neglect the most.

One of the hardest things in our lives is finding time and money to do the things we want to do for ourselves, unless you are in a class of people that don’t have a problem with either one of those items. But for the rest of us, we need it, crave it and are always searching for it. Everyone, yes everyone needs quality time to themselves. Sometimes it’s just to think, sometimes it’s to vent, sometimes to cry and sometimes just for the fact that you don’t want to be responsible for anything for just a moment.

You hear the stories of people going to the bathroom, the pantry and sometimes their closets, just to have a moment to themselves, because heaven forbid you have a moment any other time to just be alone with your thoughts and feelings. I understand, I see you and I hear you. So how do we change this? There has got to be a better way to find that time for yourself. Any ideas?

Outside of being financially free to the point that you can do whatever you want, there are not too many options because there is alway someone or something that wants a piece of you. The only option you have is to schedule in the time for yourself. Yup, just like couples scheduling time to be intimate, you now have to schedule time to be free from everything else. I know it doesn’t sound ideal, but has anything else worked for you? Give it a chance.

Depending on how much time you want or need will determine how you schedule this time alone. So decide how much you need, and then look over your schedule, and see when you might be free during the day, week or month and start there. For some of you, you might have to sacrifice some of that beauty sleep to make it happen. Either you are going to bed later, or you are getting up earlier to make the time available for you. You have to decide what’s more important, your sleep or your sanity.

If sleep ultimately wins, you then have to figure out what part of your day is going to allow you to find the time you need. Take out work and school, those are not negotiable. What are you doing with the rest of your day? That period of time is when and where you find the time for you. Once you find your time, you need to decide how you are going to spend it. The beauty is now that you have the time, you can do whatever you want. Change what you are doing, or do the same thing every time, it does not matter. All that matters is that it’s your time to do what you want the way you want so you can have the time you need to find the peace you need to be happy.

Hopefully this helped you figure out how to find the time for you. If not, explore smoother options until you can find something that works for you. Good Luck, wishing you the best going forward to finding your time and happiness.

Being A Dad - Are You Succeeding?

Wow, where do I begin? I am going to try and keep this short, so meat and potatoes it is. Being a dad is one of the greatest and hardest jobs we have as men. Many are called and few are chosen to become great dads. I will be the first to admit that I myself still have work to do to be one of the great ones, but I am trying to be better. Where are you on the dad spectrum? Be honest or you will never get better. Besides, the only people you will be hurting are your kids, not anyone else.

When your kids were born, were you excited, scared or bummed out? Your answer has already been declared by the way you treat and spend time with your kids now. Are you being stereotypical dad, who goes to work everyday just to come home and tell his kids he needs personal time and not to bother you? Or are you excited to see and spend time with your kids when you return home? Are you helping your kids with homework? Are you taking time to play and do the activities they are interested in?

Here is an activity you can do with your kids to see how they think you are doing as a dad. Basically you are going to ask them questions about you and them, and how they feel about different things. Here are some sample questions to think about. Does dad know who your friends are? What was the last thing you and dad did together? Did dad give you a hug today? Has dad helped you with anything lately? These are just a few of many questions you can ask your kids to see how they feel about the job you are doing. Heck, you can just straight up ask them if you are doing a good or bad job and why? They will be happy to tell you.

Spending quality time with our kids is probably the number one thing we should be focusing on. Spending time with them doing activities they enjoy goes further than anything else you can do. It is greater than buying them gifts, or giving them money. If you are not using your money to spend quality time with your kids, they don’t care how much you make, because all they see and think is that making money is more important to you than they are.

Bonding with our children will create love, friendship and everlasting memories you can share with one another throughout your lives together. Bonding lets your kids know they are important to you and that you love them. Bonding is what helps them have trust In you. It helps them know they can come to you when they need to, rather than looking elsewhere when problems arise. Bonding is why moms have better relationships with their kids than dads do. This is fact, unless you are a single dad and you are rocking it.

I know our main focus is always going to be providing for our families, which means working our guts out to make the best life we can with the current jobs we have. Sometimes we have multiple jobs which makes it that much harder. But as long as we can make an effort to spend some time with our kids and let them know we love them, it will go a long way. Kids just want to know that you see them and that you care about them. Doing something no matter how small it is, is always better than doing nothing.

Take a minute to think about your schedule and your routine. Are your kids a part of it at anytime? If not, work on finding a way to have them a part of your schedule everyday. Find time to give them a hug, find time to play. Find time to have them show you something they are making. Find time to read them a book or snuggle in bed with them. The window of time we have grows shorter everyday. Don’t miss out on creating the relationship you want with them by not finding time to spend it with them.

No one is saying you or I are bad dads, they are just saying we need to be more aware of the time we need to spend with our kids bonding. I am going to make more of an effort to do my part, what about you?

Healing - By helping others

When you hear that someone is healing, what does your mind automatically go to? For most of us I am sure we think of someone recovering from an injury or surgical procedure. We are not as accustom to hearing people healing from other traumatic experiences they are dealing with. Generally, this occurs because people are more private about sharing the mental and emotional traumas they experienced.

Many times people feel ashamed, embarrassed and are afraid of how people will respond to them, or even worse what people will then say about them. Sadly, our society thrives on drama and the misfortunes of others. In reality we should be doing the opposite by embracing them and let them know they are loved and that we are there to help them. I believe if we did this, our world would change dramatically especially with the increase of emotional and mental health incidents we are having in the world today. People are looking for love, support and help for what they are going through. Unfortunately, they are not finding love and support, but ridicule, distain, and criticism.

Many of us have some form of emotional or mental health issues we are needing help with. We are carrying baggage we packed years ago from one or more experiences we went through. We need to unpack that baggage and lighten the load we are carrying around. This will benefit both yourself and those around you.. Sometimes we don’t see the affects we have on others because of the pain we are in, but it is happening even if you don’t think it is.

What can you do to unpack your baggage? There are a few different ways to do this. Each of us will have to decide what route we are comfortable with and works for us. Sometimes it can be as simple as talking to a friend or family member to get it out there and off our chests. For some you may not want to share these issues with those you love, so you can find a counselor or therapist to help you through this process. A few other simple options are writing it out in a journal which can help you release you thoughts and feelings. For some fasting and prayer is a way to seek help for what they are going through. Maybe you need a combination of these releases to help you heal.

Surprisingly, there is a way to kill two birds with one stone. By serving others who are looking for help, you can help yourself heal. The power of serving others is unlike anything else you have experienced. Serving others is the act of compassion, charity, faith, hope, and love. Remarkably, the blessing of serving others goes both ways. As you are serving others, you too are being served and you don’t even know it.

By serving others you are able to let go of the demons haunting you. While serving others you are able to work out your own feelings. When you are done serving your eyes will be opened, your heart will be full and you will be able to move forward with a new feeling about life and where your place is in it.

Don’t ever give up hope in fining help and resolve for what you experienced, and how it’s making you feel. There are so many wonderful things in this life to live and celebrate. You just have to let go of the past and find the things that will bring you happiness. In doing so, help others do the dame along the way. You might not be able to help everyone, but even helping just one person find hope and happiness is worth the time and effort along your journey.

Choices - You Are In Control

Our world today is hyper sensitive. What I mean by this is, we are now in a time where anything and everything that occurs in the world can be placed in front of us. The age of the internet has changed our lives for both good and bad. So much so, that we no longer know what is real or fake unless it is a tangible item we can touch.

We are being manipulated by anyone and everyone that has access to a computer. Be that it is through the news being reported or by trolls on social media, it is hard to know what is real and what isn’t anymore. Life is hard enough to go through without having to now figure out if people, events and other things are real or not.

This leads me to how our lives are lived on a daily basis. With the age of the internet we are now over run by information. Information that is put out there to influence us, manipulate us, and control us to make decisions about products, people, places and things, we might not even have a clue what they are. Our lives are being taken over by mass marketing and brain washing of every subject known to man.

We are being told that right is wrong and wrong is right. We are being told that whatever we learned before is wrong and that we need to become woke to the new age of thinking. We are a part of a society that wants to erase and cancel you if they do not agree with what you are doing or saying as a person. We are being told to conform and be assimilated to this new way of thinking or you will no longer be allowed to be a part of this society.

What happened to this great nation that was founded on being different? What happened to having Freedom to be and do as you chose? What happened to being God fearing people? What happened to celebrating our differences and loving one another because of those differences? What happened to the American Dream?

It is still out there, you just have to make it happen. You have to choose to make it happen. You have to choose to not be a follower. You have to choose to be different. You have to choose what is right for you. Not because someone else tells you you have to do it. Not because someone is bullying you into it. Not because there are trolls on the internet trying to shame you, while hiding behind their computer screens.

If you are looking for happiness, if you are looking for freedom, if you are wanting to be truly free to live the way you want to, then start making your own choices. Start choosing to be you and not what someone else wants you to be. Do what you want to do, become what you want to become. You are the one in control of your life, you are the one writing your story. Remember you are the one writing your story, and you are the one who should be written how your story ends, not the media, not today’s society, and not anyone on the internet.

Break the chains that are holding you back from making the choices you want to make. Stop thinking you have to appease everyone. The only one you need to worry about is yourself. Obviously your partner and children are a part of that, but outside of that you don’t owe anyone else except our maker an explanation of how you want to live your life. With that said, don’t make a spectical of yourself. Don’t draw unnecessary attention to yourself, and don’t push yourself onto others. If people ask, that’s one thing, but don’t do what you don’t want others to do to you.

We can’t do anything about the past we have lived, we can only focus on the present and the future. Let go of the past, it doesn’t need to have power over you. Look to the future and see the joy and happiness you can have by the choices you are going to make. Remember you are the one who chooses. You are the one who has the power, not your partner, not your friends, not your parents, and not your boss. It’s you who has the final say in what you ultimately do with your life.

As a disclaimer, we do have to obey the rules and laws of the land that are established within our given countries and states we live in. For those who follow God, you may have rules by which you govern yourselves and those too should be followed to keep peace and harmony in your life. I am just wanting you to know that you are an individual that deserves happiness, and that you should be the one to determine what it is you can and cannot do to create that happiness. Don’t allow others to tell you otherwise because of the thought and feelings they have for themselves.

Be happy, make good choices, and celebrate others to help lift them up so they too can find their happiness in this life.

Married Life - Finding Success

Marriage has been described as the greatest institution of learning that a person can be enrolled in. I know that will come under fire by those in the scholastic world, but think about it for a moment. You are in a position where you are consistently learning and growing as a person. The longer you are in a marriage the more you learn. We all have to learn, grow and adapt within a marriage to make it successful. There are things you learn being married that you may not have the opportunity to learn anywhere else.

For those of you who are married, what are you doing to find success in your marriage? Are you working at making it successful, or are you just going with the flow from day to day? Are you making an effort to recognize your spouse on a daily basis? Are you doing your part to create a happy and healthy environment in your home? Are you looking for opportunities to serve your spouse? Do you focus on satisfying their needs or just your own? These are questions that you either can proudly answer or ones you are ashamed to answer. I hope you can be proud to answer them without lying.

Now for those of you who are looking to enter the marriage world, what are you doing to prepare yourself? Are you just going to fly by the seat of your pants and hope its all going to work out because you are infatuated with love, or are you going to prepare yourself for what is to come with a life long relationship? I would suggest you start doing a little preparation that will help you have a healthy and successful relationship. Relationships take work, they are not always magical and easy. but if you prepare yourself and work through the hard times you will be rewarded.

For those that are in a long and successful relationship, what are you doing to make it work? Share with us what you are doing so we can all glean from those of you who are doing it right. One thing I can share is to always be mindful of your partner. Like you, they too have feelings, wants, desires, dreams and goals they want to pursue. It can’t always be about you, it has to be about them too when you are building a successful relationship. Remember a marriage is two people putting in 100% to make the relationship work. Somedays that percentage changes with each of you, but that’s where you help lift the other person up, and vise versa. Everyday is not perfect, but you can work through those down days to make them better.

Always look to find ways to lift up your partner and make them happy. in doing so you too will find happiness, and then you guys will be happy together. No relationship can succeed if it is only one sided. Someone will always feel shafted, burned out or neglected. Do your part in helping make the other person happy and you will succeed. Remember to communicate, communication is the key to every relationship. If you are not talking about everything in your life, it will become a problem at some point.

If you know anyone looking for a little help in their relationship, send them to my website Jeremyzon.com where they can purchase my books “Treat Her Right” and “She’s A Part Of Me”. both of these books focus on helping create healthy relationships. They can also scroll through my blogs and get a few little tidbits that might spark their interest of other topics that can help better their situation. I appreciate all of you and look forward to your input as to what you are doing to have a successful relationship. I look forward to learning from each of you, what you are doing to have a successful relationship.

Mental Health

Mental Health is one of those sensitive subjects due to the large spectrum of symptoms that are associated with it. It is also a sensitive subject because many of us don’t want to admit that we are struggling with any issues in our life let alone a mental health issue. There lies the problem. We need to start being more honest with ourselves and get the help needed to bring us peace and happiness rather than struggle with the anger, pain and distress that comes with it.

Each of us needs to understand that we are not the only ones affected by our mental health issues. Anyone we have in our life is affected one way or another. Some are more prevalent than others due to their proximity and amount of time they are around you. Sadly, watching a loved one struggle with a mental health issues is heartbreaking, because those watching know what’s going on and don’t know how to help without hurting that person more. So how does someone find help?

The key to overcoming mental health issues is to first recognize that you have them, and acknowledge that it exists. Many deny that anything is wrong and try to over look the problems they have. Like any other aspect in your life you want to change, this too requires you to work on it. No one else can do it for you, but if you ask, I know your loved ones would help you any way they can to see you happy and healthy again.

So how do we get help? I guess it all depends on what you are struggling with. Some problems can easily be worked out by eliminating things in your life that is causing the problem, while others will require working with a medical professional to over come them. Evaluate your situation and then see what you can do to work through it yourself or with a loved one. If it is beyond what you can do then look at finding a professional that can help you. There is no shame in getting help to make yourself whole again.

Life is about being happy, yes there will always things that will stress us out and obstacles that will create road blocks. We just have to learn how to overcome them without allowing them to overtake us. We are strong, and can accomplish anything we put our minds too. Know that you have loved ones you can turn too. Don’t be afraid to ask them for help. You will be surprised how open and loving people can be when you open up to them for help. You got this, be strong be happy and find joy in this life instead of misery.

Family History

Family History can be something that you are not very interested in or it can take you down a rabbit hole. I do have some curiosity about my family history, but at the same time I am not really wanting to put in the work at this time to really dig into it. I have browsed my family tree just trying to get an idea of where my ancestors are from and what my blood line is, but that has really been the extent of it for now.

I know that recently people have taken an interest in their family blood lines because it’s all the craze right now. People are looking into “23 and Me”, “DNA Heritage” along with checking out Ancestry.com to find out who they are related to. I have not taken any of these DNA tests, and really don’t care to. What’s it really going to tell me that is of any real signifiants? Does it actually change anything about your life? Now I know some people have found out that they had additional siblings because of it, and others have found out who their actual parents are, and yes those are significant finds. But outside of those scenarios what else are you paying all the money for?

There are a lot of free genealogy sites out there that can guide you to learning more about who you are and where you came from rather than doing a blood test. Did I mention they are free? You never know what stories you are going to find and read about that are going to excite you. You also never know who you might be related to from the past. From what I found, I don’t have anyone famous, but I do have a little bit of royalty in my family line.

Perhaps one of the reasons I am a little stoic about looking into my family history is because I have a grandfather that was adopted, which means we don’t have any record of his family or bloodline. It happens to be my grandfather whom we have our family name through. That means, it’s not actually my family bloodline name, but an adoptive name. I have no connection to the family whom I bare the name of, so I don’t feel any reason to look into that history. I actually don’t even care about carrying on the name because I feel it is meaningless. Now I know my father would say others wise but that’s it.

What are your thoughts about diving into a family tree that really isn’t your’s? What are your thoughts on participating in 23 and Me or any other DNA blood testing service? Do you have any interest in digging into your family tree to understand your heritage and where you came from? I know I will dig into my family tree a little more, but I am not there yet. Now that we have the internet, we are all able to find things a lot easier. Take a minute and check out sites like Ancestory.com and see where it takes you. You might be surprised.

Skills & Knowledge Passed Down

This is a topic I am a little passionate about. More in the soapbox kind of way rather than it being something I have experience with. What are your thoughts about passing on skills and knowledge you have obtained to your children and grandchildren? Is this something you feel should be done by parents, or is it upon the children to learn their own way?

I guess it all depends on your background and the family you come from on if skills and knowledge are passed down to the new generations. I know that in the past, families were dependent of their children learning the skills to keep the family farm or business running for themselves and the future generations. But what about those that are are not in the same situation? Wha about the average Joe who lives in the city and just has a job to pay the bills and get by in life? Do they have any skills and knowledge to pass on?

The reason I am passionate about this, is because I was not really privy to all the knowledge and skills my parents and grandparents had, and I am not sure why. To be honest with you, I really don’t know as much about my parents as I would like, let alone my grandparents. With that being said, I feel like I was not given the best opportunity to grow as I would if I was given the opportunity to learn some of the skills and knowledge my family members had.

My mom taught me homemaking skills that have come in handy for domestic life, that I am grateful for. My dad and grandfathers taught me a couple of things when it came to fishing and playing sports when I was really young, but other than that I was left to fend for my own. I didn’t learn about car mechanics, guns, girls, money, careers or anything that I felt should have been shared with me. In doing so I think I would have had a better understanding of all those things before I became an adult. The sad thing is, they had knowledge with all of those topics and more that would have benefited me. Now I’m in my forties, with no dad, no grandfathers, and still trying to figure out some of the important things in life.

I know I need to pass on the knowledge I have to my daughter, but the question is, do I have enough knowledge and experience to share with her that’s viable to her and her future? What skills is she going to want to have from me? What knowledge can I bestow upon her that will make a difference in her life? Yes, I am her parent but does that even qualify me? I hope I have enough to share with her as she continues to adulthood.

I can tell you this, if you did not get the guidance and direction from a parent about money and finances, I hope you are learning on your own, because there is a lot more to it than just making it and spending it. Another thing you should be educating yourself on is retirement and how to prepare yourself financially for that. The world can be a hard place for those who don’t have the skills or knowledge needed to succeed. Parents can be a great asset if they are willing to share what they know with their loved ones.

I hope that one day if not today you take the time to share your skills and knowledge with your children to help them better their life, and the life of their children.

Love & Appreciation - From Your Parents

We live in a world full of distractions. During our current times, a child is born and it seems like immediately they have an electronic device in their hands. Sadly, that electronic device becomes their new umbilical cord for the rest of their life. Is this the child’s fault or the parents? What was the intent of giving that child an electronic device?

Times have changed and so has parenting. For the generations before the Millennials, parenting was different than what we are seeing today The generations before the Boomers was even more different. With the change in technology comes the change in parenting the and the interaction parents have with their children. It seems as if with every advancement in technology the personal gap between parent and child increases.

Yes, the parents are in control of how much a child is able to have technology in their life, but is it really that easy? Technology has become so ingrained into our society that children are no longer using textbooks or pencils and paper to do their school work. Everything has evolved to revolve around computers. So how are parents evolving with the age of technology?

There are many facets to parenting and many ways in which to parent. Obviously we all don’t agree on there being a single way to parent or we would all be doing it. But there are some things that should be the foundation to all parenting and that is expressing love and appreciation for our children. I started this blog off talking about how technology has infiltrated our families. There is a reason for that, and I want to get your opinions on it.

When you were growing up, how much personal time did your parents spend with you? How much time did your mom spend with you individually, and how much time did your dad spend with you individually? Do you recall spending time with your parents doing activities and creating memories? Or, are your memories just of you alone entertaining yourself? If you are older, how much time are you spending with your parents now?

Did your parents support you in your interests? Did they attend your sporting events, your dance recitals, your band performances, your plays? Did your parents nurture your interests and work to helping you achieve your future goals? Basically I want to know if you feel like your parents expressed interest in you? How much love did you feel, and are you still feeling that love?

Today it sometimes feels as though parents are overwhelmed by their children and so they use technology as a distraction or even a baby-sitter to free them from having to give attention to their children. Parents seem to be spending less time with their children, and allowing technology to be their parent? In doing so, what are our children learning from technology and what skills are we passing on to them in becoming parents themselves in the future? What are we telling our children when we pass them off to technology? Are we telling them that they are bothering us, that we don’t have time for them, or are we telling them that we don’t love them enough to spend time with them?

Think about how your parents participated In your life. Are you appreciative of how much time they spent with you, or did you want them to spend more time with you than they did? Did you miss out on the one on one time, and the bonding opportunities that was important to how you developed the relationships with your parents? Take a minute to think about how you felt growing up. Now reflect on how you are spending time with your children, or how you will spend time with your children when the comes time.

Did you get enough time from your parents? Are you giving enough time to your children? Did you feel supported and appreciated? Are you supportive and appreciative to your children? Cycles can be continued and cycles can be broken. It’s like anything else we do in our lives. We are the ones in control of the choices we make, the stories we write and how they turn out.

I hope you come from a happy story, and if not, hopefully you can make a happy story for your children.

Step Parents

This is a topic that is not discussed very much, and I am not sure why. When in reality it should be discussed a lot more. If you are asking why, then it’s perhaps you have not had a step parent in your life. Unfortunately, the most common time you hear about step parents is when there are allegations against them for how they were treating children. And this is what I am wanting to discuss in this blog

Sadly, you rarely hear about how awesome a step parent is in someones life. Generally, it is how horrible they are, and how they have treated children. But, are all the allegations against them justlfied? Most children are never going to accept a new parent figure into their lives like nothing was different. With that, many children are going to give some form of push back when having a new parent in their life telling them what to do, how to act and what they can and cannot do day to day.

Something else to consider is the age of the children at which time a new parent becomes a part of their lives. Younger children are going to have a harder time accepting a new parent compared to if the children are adults. The understanding of relationships and life are greatly different pending on the age and experience of the children. Although, there can still be issues with a new parent even if the children are adults, and just like being a younger child, it can affect them by how they are treated or how they are treating their parent.

When it comes to step parents mistreating the children of the person they became involved with, it really bothers me as I hope it bothers many of you. There have been reports of all kinds when it comes to step parents mistreating children. Anywhere from verbal, and physical abuse to sexual abuse and even locking kids in room and cages. How horrific is that, and how is the biological parent ok with that or not knowing about any of it? I know depending on the age and experience, children can be scared and manipulated by adults into not saying anything, but as a parent you should be able to pick up on signs and see the changes within your child’s behavior.

This brings us back to childhood trauma that I previously discussed. This sucks! I know that it is traumatizing and hard to overcome, but you can do it. If you know of someone that has been through any of this and you can help them, please do. We all can use a friend to help us through these dark times. Let’s help others move past the childhood trauma they experienced, so they can have a better life.

So my question to you now is. If you had a step parent or parents, how were you treated? Or, how are you being treated now? It doesn’t matter your age, step parents can still affect us at any stage of our lives. I have had 4 step parents in my life, two on each side. I can tell you that I have been affected by all four of them in one fashion or another. If you ready my book What’s Your Story, you will get an idea of exactly how they affected me and my life. Know this, there are some great step parents out there doing a great job, and then there are the ones that want nothing to do with you, but it is not a reflection of who you are. It is a reflection of who they are as a person.

If you ever find yourself in the position of being a step parent, I hope you take account of your life, what you have experienced and what you can offer being a parent to someone that is not biologically yours. No matter the parenting situation, you play a role in that child’s life and you have influence over them. You can be the person that makes or breaks a child depending on how you treat them.

Blended and Mixed Families

The world has probably seen the most change in the last 150 years then it has seen from all the years prior. Institutions that have existed from the beginning of time have not even been spared from this age of change. Two of the oldest institutions that have been knocked off their foundations in the last 50 years is traditional marriage and the family structure.

As we know change is inevitable for most things. But, who would have thought that these two institutions would also be affected the way they have? We need to understand that marriage and family is the foundation of all our societies. They are the foundation of who we are and how we interact with other people. Our parents and our families are those that establish our personal ideology as we learn, grow and become a part of the social construct that is life. For more than a millennia, the family construct has existed and persevered over anything else that has existed.

With the changes in our families, we are seeing those effects more and more in our societies. The question is, what has caused this massive shift? Was it the people, was it society, or was it inevitable to happen because change happens no matter what?

Families today are not what they use to be. I believe very few of us came from an unbroken family. Most of us have experienced divorce, step parents, half siblings, along with step brothers and sisters. These events have an affect on us, if we want to believe it or not. Remember we established that change was inevitable, and with said changes come the affects.

There are some variables in society that are not earth shaking when it comes to the family construct but, they do play a role in changing the way people view and experience things. These variables are race, culture, and religion. When these variables come together they create new dynamics within the marriage relationship and the family. There are now many mixed families throughout the world. Mixed families can be made up of many different types of people. I’m not just referring to racial stereo types. We can also call them blended families or non traditional families. The word family now has multiple meanings from what it once was. Basically a family today is made up of whomever you live with, and have a relationship with which you consider family. The original family construct is changing.

I come from a traditional family that has seen its fair share of divorce and remarriage. So much that I have 1 full sibling, 3 half siblings, and 7 step siblings. I have had 2 step moms and 2 step dads not to mention all the others that we mere relationships between marriages. My grandparents are just as guilty. It’s like a revolving door of family members coming and going in your life. For me I have just rolled with the punches, but for some it is not that easy.

How has being in a broken, blended or mixed family affected you? Are you stronger? Have you been traumatized? Or, are you numb like me? I think experiences we have in our lives and within our families are what affects us and creates who we become. Our parents and our family have huge influences over us. yes, we have the ability to choose who we want to be and are going to be, but we cannot ignore the underlying foundation we were given.

How are you? Are you good? Do you need help? Do you need to make changes to find happiness? What kind of family are you going to have, and how has your experience going to affect it? The world is always changing and the people on it are always changing with it. Do the best you can to live learn and grow so you can write a happy ending to your story. Like I say in my book What’s Your Story “your past does affect you, but it does not define you”.

Know that there are many of us like you, no matter what type of family you have come from, there are others like you. We are all more alike than we truly know. Sometimes we just need to share our stories, to understand one another. Be strong, be happy, because you can have a great family, no matter how it’s built.

Change and Adversity

Most of us have had to deal with some sort of Change & Adversity in our lives. The question is, how do you handle it? I guess that all depends on what it is you are being faced with. In my book “What’s Your Story” I share a few of the scenarios I was faced with in my life. I know that many of those scenarios are the same ones many of you have had to face as well. Some of the incidents I was in was just a part of life and you learn to deal with it and cope. Some are a little more traumatic and when put through those situations, everyone comes out the other side different than before they happened..

For example, I share with you that I had to experience moving or changing homes and schools multiple times throughout my childhood. For a kid this can be unnerving and for some even traumatic pending on the experience and the state of the child. So how do we overcome and adapt to these changes? What did you do, or what have you heard that others did? Fortunately for me, I was independent enough that I just seem to roll with the punches and continued as if things were normal. To be honest, I am not sure if that was healthy or not? My parents never seemed concerned enough to ever talk to us about each move other than telling us we were moving each time.

Although, I did have an unexpected move that I share in my book and would throw many of you for a loop. Unfortunately, there are also many of you that experienced a similar situation if not worse than what I had to go through. Anytime a child is ripped from or separated from their family due to whatever circumstance they become traumatized by that experience. How do you overcome these type of experiences? There are many children that become displaced by CPS and the court system due to negligent parents or because of the loss of parents. I truly feel heart broken for all the children that are separated and displaced from their families because of these situations.

I personally know how it feels to be separated from my family. But I can’t imagine how it would be to be placed in foster care, in an orphanage or how it would be to be taken from my family because of abuse and neglect. We as parents need to do the best we can to provide for our children and create a loving home for them where they can feel safe and loved.

As adults our jobs are where we face change and adversity. Sometimes, we change jobs because of growth and opportunity, and sometimes we are let go from a place of employment for various reasons. Just like being moved and displaced from our homes, losing a job or changing a job, can have the same affects on us. Mentally, and emotionally we are affected, even if we think otherwise. Anytime you go through a change you are affected by the cause and the solution. Workplace drama, hate, neglect, and chauvinism are catalysts for hardship and depression. Many times it can wear on you so much you you can’t take it anymore. You are now faced with the task of finding a solution of how to overcome these issues.

Change and overcoming adversity is always difficult, What are some of the ways you have found to help you overcome and adapt to these types of changes? I would like to share any ideas that can help others in a follow up post if you have suggestions. Thank you for your input.

Childhood Trauma

Where do I begin? many of us have been affected by some form of childhood trauma. It doesn’t matter if it’s physical or mental, trauma has affected many of us. They question is, what have you done to deal with and over come it? There are some that are able to cope naturally and move on. I would say I am in that category. Some have had to seek professional help to overcome their trauma. While there are others that self medicate with drugs and alcohol to numb their thoughts and feelings. I am sure many of you can understand or even relate, but unfortunately this is the least helpful and possibly damaging way to cope.

How do we work toward preventing childhood trauma from happening? The shift has begun with Gen-X becoming parents. This generation had the most diverse and free range parenting than any other generation previous to them. With that, they expereinced many things they wanted to change with their children. Did it work, or did we just create a new type of trauma for our children. We are the parents of the Millinials and Gen-Z. We all have heard the complaints about these generations. Who is to blame and what harm have we caused?

Stress, Anxiety, and Self Worth have been and always will be issues that each generation will deal with. The questions is, what is the best way to deal with it and what are the best coping mechanisms to over come them. We know that drugs and alcohol are nob the answer. Getting therapy always ha a stigma to it, and for many it’s not an option. How do we raise and nurture our children to have a trauma free life or better yet, find the best ways to cope when they are faced with those triggers.

What are you doing to currently overcome and cope with your traumas and triggers? Are you in a good place currently, or are you still working on it? Do you have a support system? If not, what kind of support system do you need? I ask this because each persons needs are different. You can only get the help you need, if you express to others what you need. None of us are mind readers, but we do want to help where we can.

Childhood trauma will probably never go away as long as there is evil in the world. But how we help people to overcome it can improve. First we can work hard to not be the cause of such trauma, and second, we can start caring a little more so we begin to reach out to those looking or help. Sometimes we just need to be the person that your loved ones can some to in the time of need. But you have to be a safe place for them to do so. Start nurturing your relationships with those close to you that you may be that safe place they can turn to. In doing so your love and strength will help them through the hard times they are having.

We all know someone going through tough times. Sometimes those tough times are due to triggers from their childhood. Be kind and patient when people are having a hard time over coming their issues. Maybe you might be the person that is needing love and patience extends did to you. Life is hard, lets not make it any harder for those around us. Let’s be the lighthouse on the hill, and the open arms to those needing a hug.

Who Are You?

Have you ever pondered the question “Who Are You?” The question itself is multi faceted. Depending on the person asking the question, the situation you are in, or even the moment in time in which it is being asked may constitute a different answer. Who we are is up to us and the choices we make throughout our lives. Who we are is the person we have become, and the person we are going to be. Who we are is solely up to us. We are the authors of our own stories, which in turn makes us the creators of who we are. No one else has the power to create who we are. People do have affects and influences on us, but we are the ones who ultimately make the decisions of who we are going to be in this life.

Have you really given much thought to who you are? I know that many of us had dreams and aspirations of becoming something when we grew up. Did you become what you set out to be? Are you the person you thought you would be at this point in your life? If not, what caused the change in direction? If you are not the person you wanted to be, or if you are wanting to be someone else it’s not too late. Because you are the author of your life story, you have the power to change it.

We all have a story, what’s yours? Amazingly, a lot of us have similar stories even though we might not think so. Do you come from a broken family? Have you moved multiple times throughout your life? Have you had multiple jobs trying to find the one that works best for you? How have you been with relationships? Are you having a hard time finding that special one, or have you found them and are living your best life? Many of us have experienced the dark side of life, and that truly affects who we become.

The good news is, despite what we have experienced in our lives we can over come those hardships. We are the ones that dictate our fate remember. We are the authors of our stories, not those that try to hijack them by creating havoc in our lives. If you are one of the many who has had someone affect your life negatively hopefully, you have been able to overcome that experience and move on. If not, I hope you are working through it, either on your own or by seeking help from a professional. But know you can overcome those horrible experiences and take your life back. You have the power not them to write the ending of your story.

Pending on where you are at in your life, you might have many more chapters to write in your story, or you may be getting closer to writing the ending. Either way, always remember you are the one in control and that you are the author and finisher of your fate.

D.T.R.

What is D.T.R.? It stands for Define The Relationship. Most people know this as the talk you have during different stages of your relationship. Primarily this talk happens when your relationship is still young and getting into that awkward phase of not knowing where your relationship is heading. Are you are moving forward or breaking up?

I believe that all relationships no matter how long you have been in it should have DTR’s. Maybe you are asking why. Something we have to remember is, we are all individual people that are traveling down our own paths, even if we are in a relationship. As we travel down these paths, we are experiencing new things all the time that have an effect on us. As people, we continue to grow and change as our life goes on and as we experience new and different things.

If we continue on our paths of change and don’t include our significant others as to what we are doing, where we are going, or where we want to go, we will end up in different places. Sometimes those different places lead us to different people, and that is how relationships are destroyed. So we need to have DTRs in order to stay together as we navigate this world together, or we are going to end up in different places and possibly with different people.

Having a DTR with your significant other is always a good way of keeping your relationship strong. You are able to discuss ideas, dreams, goals, hardships, challenges and feelings that you have about the relationship. Good communication is vital in any relationship and this is a great time to work on those skills. All relationships need defining and clarification from time to time. If not, we become disconnected and lost in what our significant other felt and thinks. If you are ever feeling lost and confused about where your relationship is, that is a great time to have a DTR.

The beauty of having a DTR is that you can really do it whenever and wherever you want. You can be chilling at home, out to eat, on a long drive somewhere. Ultimately it’s where you feel comfortable doing it. The main thing to remember is, you are just discussing your feelings and how to move forward together as a couple from that point on. Knowledge is power, and when you both know where the other is, you become strong as a couple.

DTRs are a great way to strengthen your relationship. We all go through rough patches, and a lot of the time it is because we are not communicating with one another. We have to communicate with one another in order to succeed. Healthy, strong relationships have a solid foundation of communication. So don’t be afraid to talk with your significant other when things are changing in your life, or you question what is going on in theirs. Honest communication is the only way to have a strong relationship.

So the next time you get sideways in your relationship, or you are looking to plan something in your future. Get together with your significant other and discuss what you are thinking and feeling. It’s never good to get blindsided.

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple Stupid, is a phrase we need to be mindful of as we go through any relationship process. We tend to over think things and try too hard, which in turn causes us to complicate the relationship. This complicating process can happen at any given stage of your relationship. It generally starts when we are dating, and then follows us through the relationship. If we can simply avoid making It apart of the process, we might just have a chance of It not rearing its ugly her later.

When we over complicate how we are viewing our relationship is when we begin to destroy it. We begin to over analyze how our relationship is going, which then makes us over think how to fix or correct what is happening with it. When all together it is probably fine, we are just freaking ourselves out. I think paranoia of losing someone is the underlying issue that plagues those who face this problem. The solution to this is to K.I.S.S.

Keeping it simple, actually makes everything better for both parties in the relationship. Because when things start to get complicated, both parties feel it which can put strain on the relationship. Making the relationship stressful is not a good way to have a successful relationship. So by keeping it simple, the stress levels stay at a manageable level that allows both parties the breathing room needed to navigate through the relationship.

When we over complicate the relationship, we are inviting flaws and imperfections to come into play. This is why it is better that we avoid allowing it to happen in the first place. Keeping it simple helps us to maintain balance and expectation. Perceived expectations are created, not reality. So when you create those expectations, they become hard to live up too, which them causes the stress and anxiety in the relationship.

Remember to be who you are, don’t try to be someone else or something else than what you are. You are the only one putting the unnecessary expectations on yourself. When you are honest and truthful to yourself, you will be happier with yourself and with your relationship, which in turn allows you to have a healthier relationship. Your partner will see and feel the difference in you and reciprocate the feelings. Know that by keeping it simple, you are building success.

Chivalry Part Two

Chivalry was started as a code of conduct by the knights of the Middle Ages. It Is something that was passed down through the generations. There was more to it than just treating women a certain way. Let me share with you what the dictionary says for Chivalry. • The combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak. • Courteous behavior, especially that of a man toward women: their relations with women were models of chivalry and restraint.

As you can see, acts of kindness are not reserved just to how one treats women. It is meant to be shown to everyone you come in contact with. We are suppose to be kind and helpful to those that cross our path. We are to show kindness and service when needed. I like that it says you are to be courageous and have honor. I feel that in this day in age we need honor, so many people lack it today. If you need help understanding what honor is, here is the definition from the dictionary that I am referring to. Adherence to what is right or to a conventional standard of conduct: I must as a matter of honor avoid any taint of dishonesty. Under a moral obligation: they are on their honor as gentlemen not to cheat.

It is also said that one is to have courage. Today, you must have courage in order to be chivalrous. So many are working against the good, that you have to have courage to do what is right. It’s easy to follow the crowd and do what everyone else is doing and fit in. But it takes courage to do what is right, and set yourself apart from everyone else. Even if you are alone and not doing the popular thing. At least you are doing the right thing, and will know that what you are doing is right.

Being a gentleman is the title of one who is chivalrous. It is a title for one who cares about others and shows it by how they treat others on multiple levels. It is not just merely and act that you put on for the people you are in public with. It is a code of conduct that you live by. It is expressed by the way you treat everyone, in both public and private, male and female, the old and the young, the rich and the poor. It’s more than just a facade or mask that you lie behind.

If you do an act of kindness and then follow it up with nasty or harsh remarks, you have just negated everything you just did. You also cannot do acts of kindness with the intent that you will get gain of something else in return. For example; just because you take a lovely lady out and show her a good time, and do all the respectful things for her during your evening. It does not give you the right to expect anything in return. Being a gentleman is the opposite of that. It is showing respect and restraint at all times until the time and opportunity is given, not taken.

Break the mold of our current society and be a diamond in the rough. Show women and others that you are a gentleman, by not being like everyone else. It like they say, you with catch more bees with honey than vinegar.

Kids

The topic that makes most men uneasy when women bring it up is that of children. Now I am not referring to conversation that are happening between married couples. Although even then some guys are running for the hills! I am referring more to the conversation that will scare a guy away when you are just first dating them.

Kids are a hard thing, especially when you are just getting out of the teen years yourself. You’re like Dude! I am still having fun living like a kid and you want to talk to me about having some! Yeah, that’s why you freak guys out. Most guys ares still trying to get their life in order let alone thinking about helping a smaller version of themselves survive!

One piece of advice that I give to everyone I know, that is just getting married is. Give your self 3-5 years together, before you decide to bring children into the picture. Yes I know that there are a lot of people that want to hurry and start a family. Even so, I would still suggest that you wait. You are needing a period of time for the two of you to grow together and form a stronger relationship than you already have. You might think that you have an awesome relationship, but guess what? When you bring another person that you are responsible for into that relationship, everything and I mean everything changes! The lives that you once had is not longer the same. You now have to alter everything that you use to do to revolve around the new person in your life. That includes the things that you use to do together.

With this huge change in your life, the dynamics of your relationship automatically changes. It is out of your control. Things you do and say will be altered forever. At least until your kids move out and you are alone once again. With that, that is why I tell new couples to wait and have some time to themselves so that they can live, learn and grow together, before having to do it with another person, or two, or three, or four.

Now raising kids is a whole other thing as well. We all come from differing homes of what is expected in the terms of responsibility and discipline. This is something that should also be discussed prior to having children, and not just winging it. Problems arise when you just wing it! Take the youth of today, I believe that many parents have either gone to one extreme of either not caring, wanting to do the opposite of their parents or they are just winging it. Because as you see the dynamic of what our youth are doing and what they are capable of doing, and it’s kind of shocking. Everything the rest of us were taught is non existent and it’s crazy. There is no accountability, no discipline, no self worth or pride in being diligent or hard working. It is all about me me me and what everyone thinks of me on social media. I am scared for our future, unless something changes. But I have a feeling that our world will be on its hands and knees begging for change before any actually happen. We will have to hit rock bottom as a society before anything changes.

Let’s do our part when it comes to kids. Talk about it, make a plan. Get on the same page as one another. Decide when, how and why, then execute your plan when you are ready. not because it was by mistake or an accident. We are responsible for what we bring into this world and not only how it affects ourselves, but how it will affect everyone around us. We are better than this and we can do great things. We just need to participate responsibly. Do your part, have a great family and be happy!